How are you? This is the most commonly asked question that I get on a daily basis. And what is my response every time? Good. Right? As much as I wish it was the truth, unfortunately, that is not how I really feel.
I am that girl that will say “It’s fine” and “Everything is ok” just to protect myself . I don’t want people to see the weak, insecure, and hurting person inside of me. I don’t even let my parents see that side of me. They always joke that I don’t have any feelings and only care about myself. However, they don’t know how many times I will sit in my room late at night and cry, drowning in my own thoughts. I am the type of person who wants to stay strong for everyone else. I have been successful so far. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this act when I am so damaged inside.
There was only one person in my life that I felt like I could turn to when I was feeling down and needed someone to comfort me. And boy, did he help me. And now he is gone. He wasn’t the boy I thought he was. He said he never gave up on us, even when I did, and that he was always focused on us, when I wasn’t. This wasn’t the truth. Every time we were on a break he would talk to other girls just for the sole purpose of trying to “get something” from them. That is not the type of man I ask God for every night before I go to bed. I ask for a man that will never give up on me and fight like hell to keep me. I ask for a man that will not make excuses when confronted about his mistakes. I ask for a man that will own up to his mistakes. I ask for a man that will never use a woman for her body. I ask for a man who seeks for an emotional connection first, sexual later. I ask for a man that will never judge me for who I am and will accept me for all my faults. I ask for a man who sees through my shit when I tell the biggest lie of “I am fine.”
Everyday I go to sleep, dreading the day ahead. I don’t want to call my gramps because I am just going to be reminded of how he won’t be here much longer. I don’t want to see my dad’s face, full of sadness, every time my gramps goes back into the hospital. I don’t want to be here the day I get the phone call saying that my gramps has died from cancer. I don’t want to feel responsible for a lot of the burden put onto my family.
I just want the pain to go away.